Darker

So three weeks ago my mom had a trach put in.  Up until then I had been with her for long stints of time at the hospital.  Her room was large enough the kids could come with me if need be.  The mask she was using before wasn't going to cut it and since my mom has decided to continue to live the trach was the only option.  A few days after the trach she was transferred to a rehab facility because she was reaching her max at the hosptial as far as insurance is concerned.  She's been at the rehab for two weeks now in ICU care.  ICU means no kids allowed.  To be honest though when I have gone to visit I've been too chicken to stay long.  I don't know how to visit and talk about my life and not feel utterly guilty.  I used to ask my mom for advice and now that seems so stupid.  Any problem I might have is just stupid. If I'm happy it also feels stupid.  Shameful. Unfair.  Even asking her how she's doing seems ridiculous and unfair.  It feels like I'm rubbing it in.  There's an uncomfortableness when it's just me and my mom.  I'm sure she feels it, too.  Tomorrow she's suppose to move to a private room which means I can take the kids with me to go see her.  God, I hope that helps in my ability to have access to her.   They love their grandma dearly and have spent many an hour themselves taking care of her at home and in the hospital.   So even though the trach was put in to make things better there is no better.  I still dream of her at night.  I dream she just magically heals.  Two nights ago I dreamt that she was home.  Arwen and I went to visit and check on her.  As we were there her voice started returning.  In my dreams I could hear her real voice.  Arwen and I went for a walk while she rested and when we returned she was walking again.   I woke up heartbroken all over again.  It's weird because those dreams come more frequently now.  Much more than before.  I don't talk to God as much anymore.  I don't even know what to ask of him.  I understand suffering is a part of life but someone as pure and kind as my mom doesn't deserve the amount of suffering she's been enduring since this all began.  And in all her suffering I am weak.  Too weak to be the daughter she deserves. And in this dark I'm starting to become numb.